My journey -

Raw and real post 👉🏼

Its been over a year and half now since my miscarriage in 2019. To tell you, I was completely broken would be an understatement, If I am completely honest. It absolutely broke me, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was at my lowest last summer, I was in complete shock that I became 1 in 4 women to end their pregnancy with a miscarriage. I was shook that I had to be that wife, that had to tell her sweet husband, that I had lost our baby. For months, I had blamed myself for it, that’s just how it was, looking back, I knew it wasn’t but as a human, we have thoughts and that’s how I felt.

I never questioned God why he took our sweet baby. My mom always talk me and always reminded me whether it was in a job, dating, or etc. she always said, “Honey, never question God why he takes away something, you never know what lesson he will teach you, but whatever He takes away, he will replace with much greater things.” Mama, she didn’t know she would be teaching me this for my future of going through my miscarriage. Even with that saying still in my mind, I am still human, I still have sinful ways, And I did question why me? Not why he took my baby but why he chose me to go through this? I always tried to be a great kid, teenager, and college student. Of course, I have failed him a lot and was not perfect by no means but still bothered me. Me and my husband both saved ourselves for each other and until after marriage and we have always tried to make sure Christ has always been in the center of our relationship and then we have to go through this dark time of ending our first pregnancy with a miscarriage. So, of course, that has always been something that I have asked and dealt with, I just didn’t understand at all! But, one day, I realized if I didn’t get into the word even deeper and really get to KNOW Him, I would loose myself and I wanted to start finding my purpose!

I started digging deeper than ever in His word and my devotions, day and night, no joke. Praying, and talking to Him, every chance I had. Honestly, I don’t know how women or anyone for that fact go through dark times without Him. Without his love, peace and grace, I would never have made it through! As I was going through anxiety and depression heavily last year, I was leading on Him with everything in my heart because of the pain I was going through, not just mentally but literally physically with not feeling good. I will spare you my long list of problems haha. But, I have learned so much about myself and the strength that I never knew that I could have. The strength I had to have/ and have to overcome a miscarriage is amazing! I’ve grown in humbleness, my patience, my abilities, and learn to give myself grace and the unconditional love for my husband. My marriage is stronger today than yesterday (it just keeps growing strong by the day), me and Michael are still after 5 years loving life together and all our adventures we take! We have definitely been through the lowest when we went through this but I’m so thankful we got to do it together.

I am so hard on myself over literally everything (thanks to my basketball career) and I have learned that its okay to hurt and it takes time to heal. It might take days, weeks, months or even years but ITS OKAY! And, don’t let people tell you how to carry your emotions!

Today, I am stronger than yesterday, I keep getting stronger. I have went one year, this week, without an aniexty attack and my depression does not overcome me. I am constantly busy with my work, school, family and coaching! I take it day by day and that’s okay. Yes, my body and hormones are absolutely crazy, I cry over food and I couldn’t tell you why half the time why I do cry haha. There are days still that I don’t want anything to do with people and rather just sit at home and do nothing and then there are most days I have a full day of laugher, friends and family. I have more good than bad days but even on my worse I will always smile and most the time people can’t tell that I am fighting a silent battle and its okay to do. I will always try to have a smile on my face because lets be honest, ya girl has a huge smile lol

If I can give you advice of what I have personally been through, I will. Take it or leave it.

Number ONE: NEVER be angry or jealous!

I promised myself a few weeks after my miscarriage that I would never have anger or jealous toward my friends that get pregnant and step into motherhood. God took my sweet baby and I fully trust Him. Moms are carrying such blessings and you better believe I will always be someone they can come to, showering their little blessings and love on those sweet babies. My mourning and grief is between me and my husband losing our baby and something I will forever deal with and has nothing towards them. So saying that, ask God to not let your heart be harden but with love and compassion.

Number TWO: NEVER let people control you!

When you are mourning, never let anyone make you think or tell you that you’re jealous of those mamas. I have personally had this done to me and it is not fun and will be stopped ( I’m a very blunt and honest person.) People will try to control you and tell you how to feel a certain way. They don’t know what you go through on a daily basis. So stand up for yourself, that’s not wrong to do. You control you!

This was raw and real but I wanted you to hear it from someone that has been through a miscarriage. I know this isn’t an open book of every little detail of what I go through on the daily but I’m not an open book when it comes to social media 🤷🏼‍♀️ If you need someone to talk to about this subject or just need listening ear, I am really good at it ☺️To everyone that have constantly checked on me and have prayed for us! Thank you!

I am an angel mom and I will forever cherish that title! I have a baby waiting for me and I can’t wait to see them!